Jeeves' Diary

This nice song by Sade came to my mind after watching "Gangsters From Eighteen" , a real-life documentary about 18st – one of most notorious gangs, based in LA and sprouted all over Central America…
I felt impressed by the story of Duke, a gang member, guy with attitude, sentenced to many years of imprisonment. His wife, nice woman that a bit reminds me Pamela Grier, loved him very much. She was very sincere when she was interviewed about waiting for him, missing him, and she confessed no one man she needs more than her trouble-making husband.
One day she gets good news that his charge might be dropped. She start worrying, inspired with a hope as what she waited so long might happen soon. But there was something other to her cry. She had a guess that Duke would not come back to his family.

I started playing kind of RPG in my mind, imaging how would do I if I were Duke. If I got in prison. If had had a wife - so loving, pretty, faithful and compassionate. If I had children that missed me. And I decided if were Duke, I did my ages as quietly as I could - so hopeful to know you loved and waited for, outside this hell-like place… Subconsciously, I would daily meditate upon "I not actually deserve to be loved so much for a grieve I brought to my loving ones…"
I got awakened as I heard Duke's words:
"I won't come back. I am goner, and I don't deserve her love. She needs not me, but a good man with whom she will be happy. Yes, I do love her so much. And I love my children… That'd why I want she to find other man, not a goner like me…I'll be happy after I know she is happy".

Feeling happy AFTER KNOWING your loving one is happy with other, not with you. Yet getting aware that you are loved … Insanely paradoxic. Or masochistic. Or totally arrogant: you want to play Gandalf without being wise as he is.

But what if not. What if it is TRUE and firm assurance of sacrifice to be done for other's sake due to your better life experience + you have kind of intuition about future – you unable to put these both logically to other? You have confidence, you need only trust…

I generally thought about nature of these sacrifices. And what the name of an altar they are to be dedicated. And why so many times they interpreted as a hit of a knife in the heart of love, made by proud, ungrateful and cold blood persons, arrogantly acclaiming them selves the "proud priests of our happiness" without asking us about it.
But sometimes it is just an illusion. They are not. And it is not always it sounds like "pride". Sometimes it is strоnger than pride…